This hypochondriac goes to the dentist... - Kimber Forum

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Old 05-03-2018, 11:48 AM   #1
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This hypochondriac goes to the dentist...

I was having a very good day. I did need the rest from over-training, and even with the Tylenol I was stiff in some delicate areas. And as you know, I'm a hypochondriac.

I open my mouth to brush my teeth and make this seemingly obvious observation, "Shouldn't blood be inside my body?"

Well, the dentist was still closed so I called the "appointment robot" to schedule an exam. Then I drove off to the mall actually joyous that if I was going to die in the next 60 minutes it would be at the hands of incompetent bangers or angry jihadists who could not find a camel for the prom. But my demise wasn't going to come from a doctor, for at least an hour.

No sooner had my well-worn Harley jeans kissed my B&N chair, but my phone rings. Of all people, it's my dentist, Dr. "Painless" Reid.

"I found blood in my mouth," I explained.

"Real or imagined?" he casually asked. He knows me well

"No, it's real--it's spurting out on the side of the new crown."

"Well, I'm doing nothing," Painless admitted, "How fast can you get here?

"Nine minutes," I bragged.

"You have a truck," he scoffed, "oh, yeah, it has the Mustang 4.6 liter engine in it. Oh, and make it cash, I have boat payment coming up..."

Exactly nine minutes later his assistant had me seated in his chair, and she was starting the exam. She backed away suddenly, snapped off her glove and sneered, "I owe Painless five bucks, I thought it was all in your head--again..."

She left in a bit of a huff.

I smirked at her exit, until I realized I had a real medical problem.

Painless kept me waiting, but finally appeared, gloved and masked as he made light conversation while he examined my mouth. Then he stopped cold.

"Are you good with pain," he asked, "like stuck with a knife?"

I extended both my hands, "What do you think these white marks are from? They are knife cuts, except for one my left forearm--it's from a redhead"

Painless, took a detailed look, "Gee, from that impression she must have had beautiful teeth."

He dropped his mask and leaned forward, "I'll be honest, this is going to hurt. I can hit you with a big needle--and you'll be a Zombie for the day, or I can take this probe, go under the gum and dislodge whatever is under there--your choice."

"Bikers fear nothing."

Painless gave me 'my father's look' and said, "You sold your bikes months ago and you're afraid of tongue depressors."

I dug my heels into the foot support, and said, "I came alone, I'll have to drive home sober, no drugs..."

Painless shrugged, picked up a clean probe, and replaced his mask. "Hang on, cowboy, I've had guys faint from this..."

Truth be told, you cannot imagine the pain. First it was sharp cold steel going under soft tissue that was never touched before. Then like a pendulum in a pit, he slowly carved the tool back and forth several times until he hit something. I cannot properly describe the pain of both a sharp probe and sharper piece of plaque scale as they sliced their way out of my gums.

I kept my face dead-pan straight. Painless took a look at me and said, "Hmmmph, I've had cops in here who were shot that yelped having this done. By the way, if the incision is still bleeding on the third day, call me..."

He peeled off his gloves as the assistant re-entered the room. She intoned, "I have to make an appointment for you for three or four days from now."

"What for?"

"Infection," she responded flatly, "We had a guy bigger and stronger than you have the same procedure. Got an infection--which he ignored--and then got an abyss. ER docs had to pump pus out of his shoulder. Oh, you need a toothbrush? They're only $4.75 this week..."

And this true story is one reason I am a hypochondriac. SnowTao will back me up on this. It's also the reason I do not fear bangers or jihadists. The most they will do to you is kill you, and they never bill you for services...
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Old 05-03-2018, 01:41 PM   #2
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Glad you survived it.

My dentist would have rubbed some numbing agent on the gum area then popped a needle of novocain. A few minutes later it'd be numb for cutting or scraping or whatever. No 'zombie' or anything like that. Though he can give ya nitrous oxide if ya want. I tried it one time but things got pretty weird. I think it's more for easing nervousness. Heck, I've driven myself home right after gum surgery. Numbness from novocain is strange but wears off in a couple hours depending on how much you get zapped with.

Brush your teeth!
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Old 05-03-2018, 02:00 PM   #3
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NOVOCAINE IS YOUR FRIEND
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Old 05-03-2018, 02:21 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by ChattanoogaPhil View Post
Brush your teeth!
I do brush my teeth. "Painless" wants me to use circular strokes around that portion of gum-line to keep debris from getting under the gums.

I didn't take care of my gums in my twenties and I've had a perio-hygienist since then. I get my teeth cleaned four times per year. This was a fluke.

BTW, since I was alone, and I really didn't know the effects of what he offered, I just bare-knuckled it. The pain is gone.
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Old 05-03-2018, 03:29 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by ChattanoogaPhil View Post
Glad you survived it.
Brush your teeth!
and drink bourbon
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Old 05-03-2018, 09:18 PM   #6
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It seems that this month Dr. Mengele will be making enough off you and Mrs. Tourist to trade in that clunky old Ferrari on a 488 Pista.
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Old 05-04-2018, 06:58 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by RustyIron View Post
It seems that this month Dr. Mengele will be making enough off you and Mrs. Tourist to trade in that clunky old Ferrari on a 488 Pista.
Back in the early 1990s I used to work for his corporation before the partners split the practice into two clinics. I get discount rates, and I can even refer bikers-who seem to have broken everything.

Dr. Reid is a good guy, and for people with "dental anxiety" (which is more common than you'd think) he was trained by a partner who retired.

I mentioned the cleanings, which usually end with the doctor doing an exam. Dr. Reid does mine first, so can relax for 45 minutes during the perio-cleaning.

It's like I told 'Snow, this is a disorder of no rhyme or reason. For example, I broke my wrist once which required two fasteners which in essence were ten-penny nails of titanium. They were shot though the broken bones with an air gun.

About three weeks into the healing, I got a sharp pain and went back to the doctor. One of the nails had shifted. I watched as he slit open my wrist and pulled out the nail with a fancy titanium duck-bill pliers.

I loved it, it reminded me of Schwarzenegger fixing his wrist in "The Terminator." I never had a moment of fear.

But oral exams scare the biscuits out of me. I have no explanation.
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Old 05-04-2018, 07:30 AM   #8
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Isn't this what you secretly told me? (You remember that secret you told me? BIG mistake!)

Originally Posted by The Tourist View Post
And this true story is one reason I am a hypochondriac. SnowTao will back me up on this. It's also the reason I do not fear bangers or jihadists. The most they will do to you is kill you, and they never bill you for services...
harrumpf grumble grumble ... that is NOT the true reason he's a hypochondriac.... he's a hypo because his brain wiring was affected negatively by his secret desire to die in a huge flaming motorcycle crash that would gp down in history as "biker Chico saves WHOLE biker gang from horrific death by selfless act: he'll go down in history as a hero!"



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Old 05-04-2018, 04:36 PM   #9
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Even that's not the entie story 'Snow.

If you saw the "The Alamo" movie with Billy Bob Thornton as Davy Crockett, you'll remember that he was a brave fighter, and one of the last survivors. He was offered the choice of betraying Sam Houston or being bayonetted.

His quote was, "Do it fast, 'cause I'm a screamer!"

Flaming bike wreck, banger shoot out, jihadist scimitar fight or former redhead lover, makes no difference to me.

Just do it quick, 'cause I'm a screamer, too...

BTW, digging a piece of plaque scale across tender bleeding gums with a sharp probe is not "quick."

You will admit, I'm a hypochondriac at the top of his game!
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Old 05-04-2018, 06:44 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by The Tourist View Post
Just do it quick, 'cause I'm a screamer, too...
TMI sweeetie -- does your WIFE know you share secrets with guns and everybody?!


Originally Posted by The Tourist View Post
You will admit, I'm a hypochondriac at the top of his game!
May it please the court, yes: THIS I will absolutely stipulate!
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