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A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down...

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $200 for your trouble”.

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!

There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $200 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."
 

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A 76-year-old man is having a drink in a Bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her.

After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him. Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition". Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is. "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words".


The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He then whips out his wallet and puts ten - $10 bills in her outstretched hand. He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."

Our needs change as we get older.
 

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I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was very irritated.



She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"



The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,

"Fluctuations."



The Asian lady answered back, "Fluc you white people too!"
 

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Another OBG (oldie but goodie).......

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan

arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my

husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident

down at the Guinness brewery"

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?";

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and

drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go

quickly?"

"Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
 

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A Wish to Live Forever



I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.
"I wish to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant that particular wish."
"Fine," I said, "then I want to die the day after Congress is filled
with honest, hard working, bipartisan men and women who act only in
the people's best interests!"
"You crafty bastard," replied the fairy.
 

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...Am I getting to that age?

I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walked over to me and asked, "What brings you in today? I looked at her and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator." She didn't quite know how to respond.


I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency I think you should write, "An ambulance.”

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Did you ever notice that when you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and a lot of the roads were not paved.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

May you always have:

Love to share,
Cash to spare,
And friends who care.
 

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A guy goes into a Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for two tours."
The interviewer says, "Excellent, that will give you five extra
points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my
testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's
service! Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay.
Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me
to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at
10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from
8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says.

"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee
and scratching our balls. No point in your coming in for that."
 

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A cannibal walking through the jungle comes upon a local cannibal restaurant.



Feeling somewhat hungry he sits down and studies the menu...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------



+ Tourist: $5.00


+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00


+ Fried Explorer: $15.00


+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



He calls the waiter over and asks, "Why such a high price for the politicians?"



The cook replies, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They’re so full of sh*t, it takes all morning!"
 

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A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency. The social workers there raised doubts about their suitability.

The couple then produced photos of their 50 foot motor home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers then raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.

We've arranged for a full time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.

Then the social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

Our nanny will be a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet.

The social workers were finally satisfied.

They asked, what age child are you hoping to adopt?

It doesn't really matter ... as long as the kid fits in the cannon.
I read this ten minutes ago and I'm still laughing.
 

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Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?
Where do they all go?

Wonder no more! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird
and lives an extremely ordered and complex life. Penguins are extremely
committed to their family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a
form of compassionate contact with their offspring throughout the remainder
of their life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family
and their social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using only
their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead
bird to be rolled into, and buried.

After packing the ice back in the hole, the male penguins then gather in a
circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

* You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did ya?*
 

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So I was just walking my dog, and I passed by my gay neighbor's house... He was standing on his balcony looking somewhat nervous, so I asked what was going on.

He said that he had gotten his dating app and his PizzaHut app all mixed up, and that there was a 9 inch meat lovers on it's way to his house, but he wasn't really sure what to expect.
 

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She's single... She lives right across the street and I can see her place from my kitchen window!
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door!
We aren't close but I knew she knew my wife was out of town.
I opened the door, she looked at me and said:
"I just got home, and I have this strong urge to go dancing and drinking, and maybe fool
around a little....you know, have some fun. Are you doing anything tonight?"
I quickly replied: "Nope, I'm free!"
"Great!" she said. "Can you look after my dog ?
 
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