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Maybe a laugh will wake this place up

994150 Views 14387 Replies 163 Participants Last post by  Krazeehorse
Back on January 9th, a group of bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge.

So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby;..whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked;"Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe;why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that; and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. "So tell me..why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
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I just wanted to let everyone know that yesterday I received my "Obamacare enrollment packet" from the White House.

It contained:
· An aspirin and a band-aid
· An "Obama Hope & Change" bumper sticker
· A "Bush's Fault" yard sign
· A "Blame Republicans first, then anybody and everybody" poster
· A "Tax the Rich" banner
· An application for unemployment and a free cellphone
· An application for food stamps
· A prayer rug
· A letter assigning my debt to my grandchildren
· And lastly, a coupon for a machine that blows smoke up my ass.

Everything was made in China and all directions were in Spanish.

Keep an eye out. Yours should be arriving soon.
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Norman was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So Norman raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused.

Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Norman to be quick.

Five minutes later Norman returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it," he admitted.

The teacher sat Norman down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now.

Norman looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.

Well, five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher "I can't find it".

Frustrated, the teacher asked Eddie, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom. So Eddie and Norman go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats.

The teacher asks Eddie "Well, did you find it?"

Eddie is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards."
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I will be passing that one on.
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land!

Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I got so depressed last night thinking about my health care, the lousy economy, the wars, lost jobs, my little savings account, my Social Security and retirement funds etc., I called a suicide hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck....
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Try this one!

Ear Infection

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what is wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...
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Bud the Cowboy
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes,
RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook
computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe
Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility
in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot®
that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC
connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry®
and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his
hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the
cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,"says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and
looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into
the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you
exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
"Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you
guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You
showed up here even though nobody called you; you want
to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I
never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of
equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me
you are; and you don't know a thing about how working
people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.
This is a herd of sheep.”

“Now give me back my dog.”
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Now there is three!
Congratulations and welcome to the club.
An Arab family decided to put their
grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home.
After a few weeks in the facility, they came
to visit Grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asked the grandson.

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous
and respectful," said grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that
this was the wrong place for you, since you
are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully
they treat the residents," Abdullah said with
a big smile.

"There's a musician here - he's 85 years old.
He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and
everyone still calls him Maestro!

There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old.
He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and
everyone still calls him Your Honor!

There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He
hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years, and
everyone still calls him Doctor!

And Me - I haven't had sex for 35 years, and
they still call me The Fucking Arab!
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Yes, a legacy I can live with!
Two Crocodiles were sitting by the side of the swamp near the river.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can’t understand
how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age. We were
the same size as kids. I just don’t get it."

"Well," said the big Croc, "What have you been eating?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Parliament Buildings."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat ’em!"

"Ah!" says the big Crocodile,"I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there’s nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.
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An Israeli doctor says: "in Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man and in 6 weeks, he is out looking for work.

"The German doctor says: "that's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain from one man and put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is out looking for work.

"The Russian doctor says: "gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest and in 2 weeks he is out looking for work.

"The United States doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Five years ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart and no balls and made him President. Now, the whole country is out looking for work!"
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With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into her cleavage, created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly. She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"Uh no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties, and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation. "Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied.

"Go look in the garage."
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Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. ”Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.

“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and then asked, “How does that feel?”

“Feels great,” he replied, “but I still think my thumb’s broken.”
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Dear Wife,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today, that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes then went straight to sleep after watching your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me, your SISTER and I are moving to West Virginia to live together, have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Your Ex-Wife,
Rich and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
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Singles matchup of strangers. Local muni.

John and Fred begin a stroke play game, nothing on the line. On the #2 tee, John notes that Fred has a rifle in his bag.

John finally can stand no more on the seventh green. "Um, Fred, what's with the rifle?

Fred replies, "Well, as it happens, I'm a pro hit-man and never without my tools.

"Interesting," says John. "I was a sniper in Iraq. Can I give it a look?

Giving it bit of thought, Fred says, "Well as one pro to another, sure." and pulls the weapon from the bag.

"Wow! Nice scope. Sweet. I can see my house from here. Hmmmm, what the heck is Bob's car doing in my driveway?

Fred intones, "That scope is fitted with a polarizing filter. You should be able to see through any window."

John moves the sites and focuses on the bedroom. "That SOB is naked in my bedroom. Crap! so is my wife!" He looks up at John. "My eyesight isn't what it once was and I'm way out of practice. You say you're a pro? Well, what's the charge?"

"$10,000 a shot."

John only gives it a moment's thought. "Ok. I want her dead, but I want him to suffer. Shoot her in the head, and blow his **** off."

Fred takes the rifle and scopes out the situation. "Hmm, that will be 2 rapid fire rounds. The second has to hit its target before any reaction to the first can happen. Very difficult." A pause. "You have the money for this?"

"Yes. Just do it."

Fred takes a long time looking through the scope.

"What are you waiting for?" asks John.

"Give it a bit. I think I can solve my problem and save you ten G's."
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A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off. When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table.

The man obeys.

The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him. Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about.
The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the Vas Deferens is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.
While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men sitting in a room masturbating.

Curious, the man asks "What are they doing in there"?

The nurse responds: "They're getting vasectomies too, the difference is you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care."
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