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Discussion Starter · #10,326 ·
Lance is a very uncommon name nowadays.

But in medieval times, people were called Lance a lot.
 
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There are three things that cannot be easily hidden: The Sun, the Moon, and the Truth.

The following are 2 Simple Truths, 5 Rules of Life, and 3 Bonus Rules:

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However, after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.


SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
When a woman is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congratulations."
But none go up to the man, touch his penis and say, "Good Job."
Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.


FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Money can't buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the asshole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.
5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.


BONUS RULES:
1. Condoms do not guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
2. I think all politicians should wear uniforms. You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors.
3. Also, all politicians should serve only two terms -- one in office and one in prison.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10,332 ·
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
 
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Discussion Starter · #10,334 ·
Breaking News! Man gets hit by rental car...... said it Hertz.
 
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Discussion Starter · #10,337 ·
The officer said, “You’re staggering.”

I said, “You’re quite handsome yourself.”

We just laughed, and laughed.

I need bail money.
 
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Discussion Starter · #10,339 ·
Did you hear that Julie Andrews will no longer endorse cheap lipstick?

It crumbles easily and makes her breath smell.

She explained, “The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis.”
 
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