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Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen’s breasts for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King’s chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen’s bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.

Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen’s breasts. The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn’t have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King’s underwear.

The King immediately summoned Nick…
Speaking of boobs.. This kinda reminds me of the time when Dad came home with a busted lip. Mom asked him what happened, and he said he got beat up in the elevator at work. He said the door opened one floor down from his, and a girl with big boobs got in. He couldn't help but stare at them, and she said "please press one"...so he did...
 

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Discussion Starter · #10,526 ·
To the lady with all the screaming kids at Wal-mart who’s wondering how the box of condoms got into her cart …

You’re welcome.
 

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For anyone one thinking about retiring or relocating.

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where…

1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.

2. You’ve experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.

6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

OR

You can retire to California where…

1. You make over $450,000, and you still can’t afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where…

1. You say, “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is “nature.”

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.

5. You’ve worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.)

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where…

1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.

3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.

6. The highest level of criticism is “He is different,” “She is different,” or “It was different!”

OR

You can retire to The Deep South where…

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2. “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.

3. “He needed killin” is a valid defense.

4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

5. Everything is either: “in yonder,” “over yonder” or “out yonder. ”

6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say “Bless his heart” at the end!

OR

You can move to Colorado where…

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.

OR

You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where…

1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition; “Where’s my coat at?"

OR

FINALLY, you can retire to Florida where…

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind – even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10,537 ·
I am not mean, I am blunt.

Which means I will tell you the clear difference between a bit naïve and incredibly fucking stupid.
 
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