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Discussion Starter · #10,808 ·
Just got a role in a porno …

I’m the spouse at work.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10,810 ·
They should put more whiskey in a bottle …

So there’s enough for two people.
 
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A Catholic Priest was dying in a hospital and asked the doctor to call a Liberal politician & Conservative a politician. Within minutes, the two appeared. He asked them to sit on either side of the bed.

The priest held their hands and kept quiet.

The guys were so touched and at the same time felt very important for being summoned by a priest in his dying moment. Out of anxiety, the politicians asked, 'But why did you call us?

'The priest gathered all his strength and said, 'Jesus died between two thieves. I want to go the same way'...
 

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I was thinking recently that we needed a thumbs down unlike button but then, the ignore function works OK!

Problem went away!
 

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Discussion Starter · #10,816 ·
I walked in and said to my wife, “I’ve been so busy, I don’t know whether I’m coming or going!”

She said, “By the look on your face, you're going. Because when you’re coming you look like a fucking stroke victim trying to whistle.”
 
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Discussion Starter · #10,817 ·
 
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Discussion Starter · #10,818 ·
I think it’s adorable that they are putting jokes on the side of cookie packages …

Ha, ha, like listen to this one … Serving Size: 3 cookies
 
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EVER WAKE UP WITH A RAY CONNIFF SONG STUCK IN YOUR HEAD BUT YOU JUST CAN'T THINK OF THE WORDS?
 

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I can not shop at Costco anymore :)))))Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me,
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.

Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...it will be their laugh for the day!
 
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