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Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that could have been wine.

They say we can have gatherings with up to eight people without issues. I don't even know eight people without issues.

Theme parks can snap a crystal clear picture of you on a roller coaster going 70 mph, but bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still.

Someone posted that they had just made synonym buns. I replied "you mean just like the ones that grammar used to make?" I am now blocked.

Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers ... if you do find one, what's your plan?

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.

Facial recognition software can pick a person out of a crowd but the vending machine at work can't recognize a dollar bill with a bent corner.

When all this pandemic stuff is over, I still plan to wear a mask. It hides the perpetual look of annoyance I have for most people.

Covid-19 Fact: 87% of gym members don't even know their gym is closed.

I never make the same mistake twice. I do it like, five or six times, you know, to make sure.

My train of thought derailed. There were no survivors.

If you see someone buying candy, popcorn and a soda at the movies, they are a drug dealer. There's no other explanation for that type of income.

After a year of this pandemic, I'm either going out for ice cream or to commit a felony. I'll decide in the car.

I know it's time to clean out my purse when my car assumes it's an extra passenger who isn't wearing a seat belt.

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body will get rid of cellulite. Apparently you can't do this in Starbucks. And now the cops are here...

Do not vaccinate health care workers first. If it fails, we're all in trouble. Vaccinate the politicians first. If we lose a few of them, it won't matter.

In the 1980's I fell off my bike and hurt my knee. I'm telling you this now because we didn't have social media then.

Some people seem to have aged like fine wine. I aged like milk ... I got sour and chunky.

Dear Sneeze: If you're going to happen, happen. Don't just put a stupid look on my face and then leave.

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, worthless, baconless years.

I still have a full deck... I just shuffle slower.

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius. But his brother Frank was a monster.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11,352 ·
If practice makes perfect, how come waking up in the morning never gets any easier?
 

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Whaht pauer tiger balls!
 

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Discussion Starter · #11,360 ·
My mom would not stop yelling at me for not doing enough around the house, so at 3 in the morning I started vacuuming.
 
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