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Discussion Starter · #13,981 ·
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!
“Help me dear,” she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
“I’m dying here, and you’re putting?”
“Don’t worry dear,” says the husband calmly, “they found a doctor on the second hole, and he’s coming to help you”.
“Well, how long will it take for him to get here?” she asks feebly.
“No time at all,” says her husband. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”
 

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Discussion Starter · #13,985 ·
AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.

AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, NO,… I NEVER DID DANCE… NEVER REALLY WANTED TO.

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU’RE GONNA DANCE NOW, AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN’S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOES BLOWN OFF STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS. THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN’S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE’S ASS?

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, NO M’AM… BUT I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.

THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 – Never be arrogant.
2 – Don’t waste ammunition.
3 – Whiskey makes you think you’re smarter than you are.
4 – Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 – Don’t mess with old people; they didn’t get old by being stupid.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13,992 ·
I keep pre-cooked bacon in my fridge that I call “Hurricane Bacon”.

When the Hurricane hits, I put that bacon in my pocket, so if I get buried in a pile of rubble, the search dogs will find me first.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13,995 ·
A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, “What are you doing?”
She replies, “I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old.”
The husband retorts, “Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?”
“He didn’t mention you.”
 

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Discussion Starter · #13,998 ·
The recently married young woman was weeping and pouring out her heart and troubles to the church’s appointed marriage counselor.
Isn’t there some way, without turning into a nag, that I can keep my husband in line?
The counselor scowled. Well young lady, he said, maybe that’s the problem, Your husband shouldn’t have to wait in line!
 

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Discussion Starter · #13,999 ·
A little farm boy comes in late for school.
The teacher asks why he’s late.
The farm boy replies, “I had to take the family cow over to the neighbor’s to get her bred by a bull.”
Annoyed, the teacher demands, “Can’t your father do that?”
Little farm boy thinks for a moment: replies, “Well, sure… but the bull can do it better.”
 
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